In retrospect, vomiting on the deceased
at the crime scene probably wasn’t the best first impression on my new boss. I
had to beg him to get into the high profile crime scene and I couldn’t even
keep it together. The look of sheer horror on the detectives’ faces would have
been comical, if it wasn’t for the fact that this could have ruined years of
work to bring these mobsters to justice. I smile hysterically to myself thinking
that these two criminals who were riddled with bullet holes and dripping in my
regurgitated lunch probably didn’t mind the filth.
My moment of ill timed humor was broken
by the Sherriff bellowing my name from his office.
“Johnson, what the hell were you
thinking? You tossed your damn cookies on the two most notorious mobsters this
side of the Mississippi. Do you have any idea on how I’m going to explain this?
I wasn’t even supposed to let you into the scene but you gave me hopes that
this could be my shining moment. Tell me that you at least got some footage
that we can use.” After his rant, the Sherriff looked like an angry cartoon
with a bright red face and bulging eyes.
I swallow hard hoping that I wasn’t
nearly as red as he was. “I’m sorry sir. It won’t happen again sir. I’ll fix
this sir. I’ll go home tonight and see what footage I got for the department.
I’m sorry sir.” I stammer out some more unintelligible remarks as I back out of
the office and slam ass first into the District Attorney. I made a mental note
to find the nearest hole to crawl into.
Fairview Police had just hired me for a
six month documentary job. I was fresh out of film school, eager to please and
make my mark in the industry. One day into the job and I was pulled into the
Sherriff’s office for an extremely vague brief on a very high profile case that
they said I couldn’t be part of, and I wasn’t allowed to discuss what I heard
in the office to anyone. I convinced them to give me the security clearance to
film whatever it was they were talking about so they could have their
accomplishment on film. After groveling and ass kissing, I was given the green
light to document the take down of the drug trafficking mob that had been
running rampant in Fairview.
Once I find the sanctity of my room I
could finally download the footage from today. After a few Hail Mary’s and even
more promises to God and all other important figures, I open my eyes to see my
fate. I always thought the expression of someone’s heart dropping was
figurative until I found my vital organ had dropped to my tippy toes.
There it was in vivid color, the crime
scene of the century though it looks like it was on a ship in the middle of an
Arctic storm on the Bering Sea. Not only was my heart displaced to my feet but
I was now fighting sea sickness from the shaky video that I had taken. Oh shit,
my life is over. Maybe the mobsters would hire me since I may have just done
them a huge favor.
Taking a moment to collect myself, the
reality of what I must do slapped me across the face. I had to somehow re-create
the scene without anyone finding out. I don’t think my Hail Mary’s or prayers
were going to save my poor soul but at least I could still have a job.
I poured over the footage to etch the
faces of these dead guys into my mind. They were your average Italian mobsters
with dark hair and olive skin. The older of the two had a distinct mustache
that curled up at the ends while the younger was clean shaven. They looked
peaceful despite the bullet holes and the remnants of a once eaten Subway
sandwich. I researched everything I could about the Frangione Mobsters so I
would know where to begin my search.
That night I had dreams of these faces that I knew were going to haunt
me for a long time to come. The images stayed with me while I showered and
prepared to seek out their doppelganger.
Under the guise of polling citizens
about the safety of the city, I documented the likeness of all the middle aged Italian
men until a ray of light shined and the angels sang as to men approached that
looked as if they were the dead men’s twins. With mouth agape, I watched as
they passed by me without a second glance. Not even finishing with the little
old lady that was asking for directions, I grabbed my belongings and began to
tail my targets.
Night had fallen and I was hiding in the
bushes outside of what looked like the average row house on a suburban street
but inside held a handful of what was left of the Frangione Mob with a poor guy
being held hostage tied to a chair. My
mind was racing as I grabbed the shot gun that I pilfered from Grandpa Orville’s
hunting collection and barged into the house. Before I could even blink I had
five guns pointed right at me. “Oh shit, now what,” I thought. Figuring that I
could possibly high tail it out of here with maybe just a few bullets might be
the best option as there was a chance that they would only hit some non vital
parts of me. I counted to three and threw down the gun and started for the door
when a loud shot rang out and I hit the deck and curled into a fetal position
begging the men not to kill me. Those bastards had the audacity to start
laughing at me as I sat up to look at my captors but they weren’t looking at
me, but at their hostage who now slumped over dead in the chair. I ran over to
the poor dead guy to see if there was a chance of saving him but as I reached
out for him, once again, I lost my stomach.
The snickers from the men turned into
awe as they slowly pieced together the puzzle of who I was. “Dis is the film
guy who puked on Joey and Lil’ Tom! He’s duh one that saved our asses from
going to jail. Get him a glass of wine, he just did us another favor by killing
Bob for us. Now we are squeaky clean.” One of my targets from earlier today slapped
me so hard on the back that I almost lost my footing and fell into the barfed
covered body. He then passed a round of Chianti to his brothers and myself and
asked how I felt being a mobster. Trying unsuccessfully to stay calm, I spit out
my plans for the day. “I needed to come and kill two of you to recreate the
scene so I wouldn’t get in trouble because all of the footage was horrible and
the Sherriff is pissed and I’m in so much trouble. “ Once again I put my foot in my mouth and
wondered how they were going to off me and how the Chianti was helping dull the
pounding headache I was getting.
The group of men went into the other
room and warned me not to leave. Figuring my plans have failed for the day I
took their advice and said my apologies to the poor stiff still sitting in the
chair. I don’t think I could have even written a script about how this day was
turning out; I have never wanted to begin a day over as much as I have for the
past two.
I nearly jumped out of my skin when the
men came back and offered the unimaginable. The man who looked as if he was in
charge, went by the name of Chuck, sat down next to me with the bottle of red
wine in his hand and took a big swig. “Well son, you have helped us out twice
the last two days and saved us a lot of grief so we are going to help you. If
you can somehow get us into that crime scene, we will help recreate it for
you.”
Not quite believing what I was hearing,
I mumbled a thank you and stood up awkwardly and followed them to the car. One
of the men, Jimmy, brought my camera and told me not worry, they had everything
under control.
Slowly coming up to the crime scene, we
looked for any cops or tell tales signs that it was being watched. We
determined the coast was clear and then crawled in through the kitchen window
since that was the only one unlocked. The men helped me to capture footage of
the house and the scene to which I should have gotten earlier. The doppelgangers
were busy making it look like they had bullet holes in them and played dead
while I filmed them in their final resting places. I couldn’t believe my luck
and how excited I was to take this footage back to the Sherriff to show him
that I wasn’t a huge loser.
Though I felt horrible about killing that
guy in the mobsters’ house, my butt was saved and I made an epic video for the
Fairview Police Station. I knew the Sherriff was going to recommend me to the
best studios in Hollywood. My future was set and I could see my name in lights
and excepting an Oscar for my movies. Life was awesome!
The next morning, I raced into the
office to come across a very irate Sherriff. I smiled because I knew that what
I was about to give him would make his day, hands down. Without even a hello, I
turned on the TV and began the viewing for him, while I stood triumphantly next
to the screen. I could see him getting angrier by the second and when it was
done I thought he was going to kill me with his glare.
“Do you have any idea what you’ve done?
We ran DNA tests on the bodies and they were not the two mobsters but two
unlucky bastards who looked like them. Your damn movie was shot using the real
mobsters you moron! You had the Frangione mob in your sights and you let them
go. Don’t tell me that this footage was shot the same day of the killings
because, your lighting was off since we had you tape in the day not the damn
night, and those two Brutus looking guys playing detectives are Chuck and Jimmy
the two master minds of the biggest banks heists in Fairview. Not only that but
we found their hide out with a John Doe dead from a shot gun with your prints
on it. Remember that we had you finger printed to give you security clearance
to all our crime scenes, well they matched right up. Not only that, but the
John Doe was covered in barf. Pardon the pun, but that was a dead give away!”
I spent the next 10 years with a snazzy
orange suit making friends with a few of the Frangione Mob that were locked up
in the Pen. I didn’t get many visitors but I got letters from my new Uncle
Chuck and Uncle Jimmy. They promised to take great care of me when I got
released. The Sherriff who was so horrible to me was locked up for embezzling
money from the city so he and I got along real well since we were cell mates.
It is funny how life can turn out.
You would think that I would be bitter
about all that has happened to me but I am actually quite happy. Now that I am
out of jail and I am slowly getting over my fear of dropping soap in the shower
I can focus on my career. My first film was a dark comedy about a guy who pukes
on two dead guys his first day on the job. Wouldn’t you know that I’m going to
the Academy Awards tomorrow as this film was nominated for Best Picture?
