Let the Games Begin

It's truly amazing when you realize you are on the right path. Happily ensconced in my Community Management career, I now feel ready to enjoy writing again. I'm going to give myself permission to get lost in the written word again. So that is my short and sweet statement of getting back to writing. Where shall we begin........ And who needs their story written?

Into the Lions Den

Today, Pastor Holladay asked what is our lion's den? What in our life wants to eat us alive? It was a powerful question which lead to a flood of thoughts overwhelming me. There are so many lions in my den of life that it is hard to hear over the roar. First, I will count my blessings which are of course my family, my friends, that I have a house to live in and that I have a job to pay the bills. The list could go on and on but I feel if I shed some light on these lions that maybe I can tame them and learn what I need to do to get them out of my den. These are some hard topics for me to think about and I haven't expressed them often if even at all but here it goes.
The big lion that is gnawing away at me is that I know I am not in the job that I a supposed to be. People always say that they want to live a life that is meaningful but for me, this thought actually takes my breathe away. I know to the core of my being that I am supposed to be serving God in another fashion other than I am right now. I have this sense of crushing sadness at times that I am not serving Him right. I think that is why I feel like a ship without a rudder. I just need to see the light of the correct shore so I can move to those calmer waters. I have toyed with the idea of going to get y MBA or another higher degree in hopes that this would open a door for me. Realistically, I don't know that those are my best options. God has given me talents and visions but I just don't know how to harness those and use them the way He has intended. I have decided to join the storytelling ministry at Saddleback so maybe I can get some creative outlets going. I am excited to be joining this team but I don't feel like it is enough. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be excited to face the day. I can't tell you the last time that has happened. \I wake up with a sense of sadness knowing that I am just going through the motions. Please don't get me wrong, I enjoy seeing my friends and family each and every day and they are my light but I need that something extra. I need my mission in life.
Last July, I thought that moving companies would be a step in the right direction and that I could tolerate this job but in reality, it has made me realize that this is not my path. I am scared that I won't find which way I am supposed to go. My husband has been amazing with supporting me and all my crazy ideas but he can't tell me what is going to make me most happy. It is as if I need to do a reboot, a corporate reshuffle of my life. I know that I have my backbone with my family with their love and that is helping spur me on. I don't want to wake up when I am old and grey and realize that I missed the boat. Part of me already feels this way and it scares me.
I have found a job that really excites me at Church but I feel guilty for even applying as my current company took me in. I feel that I owe them a few years but once again, I am afraid of missing my calling. I have lived my life for so long trying to please people and not taking my dreams and trying to make them a reality. I wonder if that time has come and gone for me?
I have ideas of books I can right for kids that will help strengthen their faith or introduce them to God but I haven' the foggiest on how to start those. I had a crazy crazy idea the other day to look at seminary school to get a stronger foundation in my faith. There are so many ideas floating around that I am not sure what to grab onto and run with. I don't know how to decipher the ideas and determine if they are true ideas or just my mind running down mindless paths. Maybe I am looking for a good Christian mentor who will be my guide in this crazy world.
I know this post is a bit raw but I just need to get this off my chest. I am hoping that putting something in writing will give this roar in my lion's den a little less volume so I can focus.
Another lion is that I am always seeking approval from others. I have always felt inadequate or unworthy and it is something I deal with even today. I have never felt like I "fit in." When I get criticism or even constructive criticism, i feel as though I am being attacked and I need to fight back. It eats away at me so much that I loose sleep over it and try to over compensate and then realize that I have made things worse. This lion is going to take some time to tame.
Dear God,
I pray that You will help me to find my path and the peace that comes with knowing that I am fulfilling my life's mission. I need your strength and guidance. I know that life is full of tests and I feel that I am going through one  now. Though I am trying to find the way, I pray that you will be my rudder so this ship finds it's course. Please grant me the strength and the open heart so that I may be happy and live a Christian life. Thank you for listening to me every night as I ask for your help. Please use me for your will. I hope that my life will lead to inspiration for others.
In Your name I pray.
Amen

The Bible Week 2

The story of David and Goliath is one that I remember well from elementary school. I couldn't imagine the fear that must have been in David's heart when he faced this massive man knowing that he had to kill him or die himself. It was a scary story for a youngster but reason, it always gave me a sense of hope. When I was presented with an obstacle, I would remember David being so brave and hoped to draw some strength from that. What I didn't realize is that David eventually became king and fell from grace after murdering his friend and committing adultery. After seeing this, I realized that no matter how badly you fall, if you get back up, and seek forgiveness from the Lord with all your heart, that God will still love you.

I struggle with this idea at times. Though I haven't committed any horrible sins, there are some things in my past that I am not so proud of. I used to go over and over in my head how I shouldn't have done this or shouldn't have said that. I used to think that the hardships in my life were because I committed some horrible sin and God wanted to teach me a lesson. Looking at this way of thinking  is pretty naive and I am slightly embarrassed to admit to it. 

The deeper meaning of David's story is that anyone can be forgiven if they ask for it. Obviously a cursory, "oops, I'm sorry" isn't going to cut it but if you look deep inside and make a honest effort to change things, God will forgive.  

Looking at Sampson's story and how he flirted with disaster until it came back to bite him is also very scary. It took losing God's grace for him to realize the gift that he had been given. After his eyesight was gone, he was able to see clearly he love and the power of the Lord. Many people these days are alike in thinking these days and I will admit that I too have flirted with stepping off the path at times. I think, that God will forgive me if I do this or that  if I ask for forgiveness afterwards. Well if I don't put myself into that situation in the first place, I wouldn't have to ask for forgiveness. Why do people choose to act and not worry about the consequences? Is it because they know that all will be forgiven? After this week's episode, I have been taking a hard look at how I am thinking and moving forward. I want to be able to know that I walked with grace down God's path and not faltered. I am human so I know that I will make mistakes but I hope that I can live a pure life that will be worthy of God.

Dear God, 

Please forgive me for thinking that I can get away with things when You are able to see everything. Please grant me the ability to move down the right path with faith and honor for You. I want to be a good example for my daughter so she will see how to live a life for God. I pray that each day my faith grows more and more. Thank you for being perfect so we have something to model ourselves and have an example of what we need to do to enter God's kingdom for eternity. I also pray that I find ways to bring others to You. There are people in my life that have not accepted You into their lives and that saddens me so very much. Please help me find a way.

In Your name I pray,

Amen

The Bible Week One

I have been struggling for a week to try and put my reactions into words. The first episode of The Bible left me speechless. I have started this entry so many times, my backspace bar is going to revolt. When I read stories, I can actually see them in my mind's eye. Now that these stories in the Bible have been brought to life, they have taken on an entirely different context and opened me  up to a whole new understanding of God's word. 

I have always imagined Noah on his ark with the animals and the struggles they must have endured. He built this giant boat at the command of God even though everyone around him was taunting him. I try think of what I would have done had I seen Noah building this ark. I would like to think that I would have offered him something to cool  drink or try to pick his brain as to why he believed God was talking only to him. It pains me to think that there is a possibility that the majority would have swayed me and look at him they way everyone else had. I don't think any of us can have a realistic view of this situation as it so different than today. What can of trial of that magnitude could God present the modern person with? God promised he would never flood the earth but could there be something else? Look at the world around us. Are we pleasing God? We have tyrants killing thousands people, a nation threatening to demolish other nations with the use of nuclear weapons, governments trying to play god, where is the peace? Is this what God wanted from His people? What can we do to reverse this evil? My heart aches from reading the headlines about the suffering of so many. 

Abraham's story brought me to tears for so many reasons. He was ready to sacrifice his child that he longed for because God asked for his obedience. In his heart, Abraham knew that God had a purpose for this request and even with his heart torn apart, he was going to follow through. I remember this story from when I was a child. I tried to put myself in Isaac's place to imagine what I would have done if my father was asked by God to sacrifice me for the greater good. Again, I like to think I would have walked the higher road and understood but in reality, I would have been watching my back for quite awhile. Abraham had the true heart of a servant and even when God's request didn't make sense, he was trusting with all his being. I struggle with this because I don't think I could have made that ultimate sacrifice. Does God know this in my heat? Of course He does and I know that He would not ask such a great task of me. I pray that He does use me and I can prove my faith to Him and to others and be a testament to my faith. It is scary to give the approval for God to control my life and show the path because it may not be easy but if I follow, the promises that God has made makes my heart open to His will. 

Moses has  story that is pretty incredible. He trusted God's word that he had the ability to save his people from slavery. Seeing as though this message came from a talking burning bush, I think I would have believed it too. Moses had this amazing blind faith, he knew God was with him. People are reticent to give their lives to Christ because they can't see him. The world has turned so materialistic that it seems the power of God is taking the backseat for people. It is incredibly disheartening to see the youth of our nation not knowing who God is. Even when I was younger and my friends celebrated Christmas without knowing why, was so frustrating. I would ask them if they knew who Jesus was and why we celebrate his birth, a few of them asked me the story to which I eagerly obliged.

Because it took me so long to write this, I know that The Bible has had amazing ratings. There are people who are tuning in and hearing these stories for the first time. It is thrilling to see that some of the people are learning about Christ and will be living in His glory. I am starting to have hope that maybe, things can turn around in this world. 

Dear Lord, I pray that I will always have the strength to follow Your word. Though I am human and I will stumble, I hope that You grant me the ability to dust myself off and get back on the path. I pray that I will follow my heart as that is where you speak to me and live the mission that You have placed before me. I also hope that I will hear You above all the clutter that is in my mind. I am working to clear my mind and let go of what I can not change and be at peace. I know that there is something amazing in store for my life and I thank you for the love you have given me through my family and friends. I pray that I will walk away from temptation and say yes to what is true. My servant heart is open to You, please use me to make a difference.

In Your Name I pray, Amen.

Leading up to The Bible

There are several things my Nana always told me not to discuss in public. I’m sorry Nana, but I am feeling compelled to discuss one of the forbidden topics, religion.

As a member of Saddleback Church, we were able to catch a glimpse of the epic mini-series, The Bible from Mark Burnett and his wife Roma Downey. I truly believe this series is going to be life changing for some and a reaffirmation for others who have accepted Jesus into their lives.

I grew up hearing the stories and have been fascinated by these people with extraordinary faith. I couldn't imagine trusting someone so implicitly let alone, someone you couldn't see. I will admit that there are questions  I have in regards to the Bible but that is what makes it so alluring. Who are these people that we have read about? What made them so focused and so trusting.

For the next five weeks, I am going to blog about “The Bible” so I can track my journey to strengthen my faith. Maybe my questions and insights will help someone else in their journey.

In the meantime, God Bless and I look forward to taking this journey.

My Lucky Break

In retrospect, vomiting on the deceased at the crime scene probably wasn’t the best first impression on my new boss. I had to beg him to get into the high profile crime scene and I couldn’t even keep it together. The look of sheer horror on the detectives’ faces would have been comical, if it wasn’t for the fact that this could have ruined years of work to bring these mobsters to justice. I smile hysterically to myself thinking that these two criminals who were riddled with bullet holes and dripping in my regurgitated lunch probably didn’t mind the filth.

My moment of ill timed humor was broken by the Sherriff bellowing my name from his office.

“Johnson, what the hell were you thinking? You tossed your damn cookies on the two most notorious mobsters this side of the Mississippi. Do you have any idea on how I’m going to explain this? I wasn’t even supposed to let you into the scene but you gave me hopes that this could be my shining moment. Tell me that you at least got some footage that we can use.” After his rant, the Sherriff looked like an angry cartoon with a bright red face and bulging eyes.

I swallow hard hoping that I wasn’t nearly as red as he was. “I’m sorry sir. It won’t happen again sir. I’ll fix this sir. I’ll go home tonight and see what footage I got for the department. I’m sorry sir.” I stammer out some more unintelligible remarks as I back out of the office and slam ass first into the District Attorney. I made a mental note to find the nearest hole to crawl into.

Fairview Police had just hired me for a six month documentary job. I was fresh out of film school, eager to please and make my mark in the industry. One day into the job and I was pulled into the Sherriff’s office for an extremely vague brief on a very high profile case that they said I couldn’t be part of, and I wasn’t allowed to discuss what I heard in the office to anyone. I convinced them to give me the security clearance to film whatever it was they were talking about so they could have their accomplishment on film. After groveling and ass kissing, I was given the green light to document the take down of the drug trafficking mob that had been running rampant in Fairview.

Once I find the sanctity of my room I could finally download the footage from today. After a few Hail Mary’s and even more promises to God and all other important figures, I open my eyes to see my fate. I always thought the expression of someone’s heart dropping was figurative until I found my vital organ had dropped to my tippy toes.

There it was in vivid color, the crime scene of the century though it looks like it was on a ship in the middle of an Arctic storm on the Bering Sea. Not only was my heart displaced to my feet but I was now fighting sea sickness from the shaky video that I had taken. Oh shit, my life is over. Maybe the mobsters would hire me since I may have just done them a huge favor.

Taking a moment to collect myself, the reality of what I must do slapped me across the face. I had to somehow re-create the scene without anyone finding out. I don’t think my Hail Mary’s or prayers were going to save my poor soul but at least I could still have a job.

I poured over the footage to etch the faces of these dead guys into my mind. They were your average Italian mobsters with dark hair and olive skin. The older of the two had a distinct mustache that curled up at the ends while the younger was clean shaven. They looked peaceful despite the bullet holes and the remnants of a once eaten Subway sandwich. I researched everything I could about the Frangione Mobsters so I would know where to begin my search.  That night I had dreams of these faces that I knew were going to haunt me for a long time to come. The images stayed with me while I showered and prepared to seek out their doppelganger.

Under the guise of polling citizens about the safety of the city, I documented the likeness of all the middle aged Italian men until a ray of light shined and the angels sang as to men approached that looked as if they were the dead men’s twins. With mouth agape, I watched as they passed by me without a second glance. Not even finishing with the little old lady that was asking for directions, I grabbed my belongings and began to tail my targets.

Night had fallen and I was hiding in the bushes outside of what looked like the average row house on a suburban street but inside held a handful of what was left of the Frangione Mob with a poor guy being held hostage tied to a chair.  My mind was racing as I grabbed the shot gun that I pilfered from Grandpa Orville’s hunting collection and barged into the house. Before I could even blink I had five guns pointed right at me. “Oh shit, now what,” I thought. Figuring that I could possibly high tail it out of here with maybe just a few bullets might be the best option as there was a chance that they would only hit some non vital parts of me. I counted to three and threw down the gun and started for the door when a loud shot rang out and I hit the deck and curled into a fetal position begging the men not to kill me. Those bastards had the audacity to start laughing at me as I sat up to look at my captors but they weren’t looking at me, but at their hostage who now slumped over dead in the chair. I ran over to the poor dead guy to see if there was a chance of saving him but as I reached out for him, once again, I lost my stomach.

The snickers from the men turned into awe as they slowly pieced together the puzzle of who I was. “Dis is the film guy who puked on Joey and Lil’ Tom! He’s duh one that saved our asses from going to jail. Get him a glass of wine, he just did us another favor by killing Bob for us. Now we are squeaky clean.” One of my targets from earlier today slapped me so hard on the back that I almost lost my footing and fell into the barfed covered body. He then passed a round of Chianti to his brothers and myself and asked how I felt being a mobster. Trying unsuccessfully to stay calm, I spit out my plans for the day. “I needed to come and kill two of you to recreate the scene so I wouldn’t get in trouble because all of the footage was horrible and the Sherriff is pissed and I’m in so much trouble. “  Once again I put my foot in my mouth and wondered how they were going to off me and how the Chianti was helping dull the pounding headache I was getting.

The group of men went into the other room and warned me not to leave. Figuring my plans have failed for the day I took their advice and said my apologies to the poor stiff still sitting in the chair. I don’t think I could have even written a script about how this day was turning out; I have never wanted to begin a day over as much as I have for the past two.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when the men came back and offered the unimaginable. The man who looked as if he was in charge, went by the name of Chuck, sat down next to me with the bottle of red wine in his hand and took a big swig. “Well son, you have helped us out twice the last two days and saved us a lot of grief so we are going to help you. If you can somehow get us into that crime scene, we will help recreate it for you.”

Not quite believing what I was hearing, I mumbled a thank you and stood up awkwardly and followed them to the car. One of the men, Jimmy, brought my camera and told me not worry, they had everything under control.

Slowly coming up to the crime scene, we looked for any cops or tell tales signs that it was being watched. We determined the coast was clear and then crawled in through the kitchen window since that was the only one unlocked. The men helped me to capture footage of the house and the scene to which I should have gotten earlier. The doppelgangers were busy making it look like they had bullet holes in them and played dead while I filmed them in their final resting places. I couldn’t believe my luck and how excited I was to take this footage back to the Sherriff to show him that I wasn’t a huge loser.

Though I felt horrible about killing that guy in the mobsters’ house, my butt was saved and I made an epic video for the Fairview Police Station. I knew the Sherriff was going to recommend me to the best studios in Hollywood. My future was set and I could see my name in lights and excepting an Oscar for my movies. Life was awesome!

The next morning, I raced into the office to come across a very irate Sherriff. I smiled because I knew that what I was about to give him would make his day, hands down. Without even a hello, I turned on the TV and began the viewing for him, while I stood triumphantly next to the screen. I could see him getting angrier by the second and when it was done I thought he was going to kill me with his glare.

“Do you have any idea what you’ve done? We ran DNA tests on the bodies and they were not the two mobsters but two unlucky bastards who looked like them. Your damn movie was shot using the real mobsters you moron! You had the Frangione mob in your sights and you let them go. Don’t tell me that this footage was shot the same day of the killings because, your lighting was off since we had you tape in the day not the damn night, and those two Brutus looking guys playing detectives are Chuck and Jimmy the two master minds of the biggest banks heists in Fairview. Not only that but we found their hide out with a John Doe dead from a shot gun with your prints on it. Remember that we had you finger printed to give you security clearance to all our crime scenes, well they matched right up. Not only that, but the John Doe was covered in barf. Pardon the pun, but that was a dead give away!”

I spent the next 10 years with a snazzy orange suit making friends with a few of the Frangione Mob that were locked up in the Pen. I didn’t get many visitors but I got letters from my new Uncle Chuck and Uncle Jimmy. They promised to take great care of me when I got released. The Sherriff who was so horrible to me was locked up for embezzling money from the city so he and I got along real well since we were cell mates. It is funny how life can turn out.

You would think that I would be bitter about all that has happened to me but I am actually quite happy. Now that I am out of jail and I am slowly getting over my fear of dropping soap in the shower I can focus on my career. My first film was a dark comedy about a guy who pukes on two dead guys his first day on the job. Wouldn’t you know that I’m going to the Academy Awards tomorrow as this film was nominated for Best Picture?

Where is my time?

I have so many ideas but it seems that all my time disappears. During the day, my mind wanders to what I could be doing, how I can be dong what I love to do every day. I think that I get in my own way. I don't know if this is because I don't allow myself the time or if I think it is a lost cause or maybe I am afraid of success. I know that sounds funny but I have seen myself do that. I have this stopper that puts a kabosh on my ideas possibly in fear of failing but if  don't start it then I won't fail. Just the other day I was thinking that I felt as if there was a ship I was supposed to be on and I missed it and it is my own fault. It as if I need to have someone hold me accountable or have to take a class that has assignments that are due. I was turning out the work fairly quickly when that was the case.
So I have said it many times before, I have to get myself out of this rut and get to writing. I am going to work on getting my accountabili-buddy.
Let's get this ship sailing in the right direction, with me on it preferably.