Today, Pastor Holladay asked what is our lion's den? What in our life wants to eat us alive? It was a powerful question which lead to a flood of thoughts overwhelming me. There are so many lions in my den of life that it is hard to hear over the roar. First, I will count my blessings which are of course my family, my friends, that I have a house to live in and that I have a job to pay the bills. The list could go on and on but I feel if I shed some light on these lions that maybe I can tame them and learn what I need to do to get them out of my den. These are some hard topics for me to think about and I haven't expressed them often if even at all but here it goes.
The big lion that is gnawing away at me is that I know I am not in the job that I a supposed to be. People always say that they want to live a life that is meaningful but for me, this thought actually takes my breathe away. I know to the core of my being that I am supposed to be serving God in another fashion other than I am right now. I have this sense of crushing sadness at times that I am not serving Him right. I think that is why I feel like a ship without a rudder. I just need to see the light of the correct shore so I can move to those calmer waters. I have toyed with the idea of going to get y MBA or another higher degree in hopes that this would open a door for me. Realistically, I don't know that those are my best options. God has given me talents and visions but I just don't know how to harness those and use them the way He has intended. I have decided to join the storytelling ministry at Saddleback so maybe I can get some creative outlets going. I am excited to be joining this team but I don't feel like it is enough. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be excited to face the day. I can't tell you the last time that has happened. \I wake up with a sense of sadness knowing that I am just going through the motions. Please don't get me wrong, I enjoy seeing my friends and family each and every day and they are my light but I need that something extra. I need my mission in life.
Last July, I thought that moving companies would be a step in the right direction and that I could tolerate this job but in reality, it has made me realize that this is not my path. I am scared that I won't find which way I am supposed to go. My husband has been amazing with supporting me and all my crazy ideas but he can't tell me what is going to make me most happy. It is as if I need to do a reboot, a corporate reshuffle of my life. I know that I have my backbone with my family with their love and that is helping spur me on. I don't want to wake up when I am old and grey and realize that I missed the boat. Part of me already feels this way and it scares me.
I have found a job that really excites me at Church but I feel guilty for even applying as my current company took me in. I feel that I owe them a few years but once again, I am afraid of missing my calling. I have lived my life for so long trying to please people and not taking my dreams and trying to make them a reality. I wonder if that time has come and gone for me?
I have ideas of books I can right for kids that will help strengthen their faith or introduce them to God but I haven' the foggiest on how to start those. I had a crazy crazy idea the other day to look at seminary school to get a stronger foundation in my faith. There are so many ideas floating around that I am not sure what to grab onto and run with. I don't know how to decipher the ideas and determine if they are true ideas or just my mind running down mindless paths. Maybe I am looking for a good Christian mentor who will be my guide in this crazy world.
I know this post is a bit raw but I just need to get this off my chest. I am hoping that putting something in writing will give this roar in my lion's den a little less volume so I can focus.
Another lion is that I am always seeking approval from others. I have always felt inadequate or unworthy and it is something I deal with even today. I have never felt like I "fit in." When I get criticism or even constructive criticism, i feel as though I am being attacked and I need to fight back. It eats away at me so much that I loose sleep over it and try to over compensate and then realize that I have made things worse. This lion is going to take some time to tame.
Dear God,
I pray that You will help me to find my path and the peace that comes with knowing that I am fulfilling my life's mission. I need your strength and guidance. I know that life is full of tests and I feel that I am going through one now. Though I am trying to find the way, I pray that you will be my rudder so this ship finds it's course. Please grant me the strength and the open heart so that I may be happy and live a Christian life. Thank you for listening to me every night as I ask for your help. Please use me for your will. I hope that my life will lead to inspiration for others.
In Your name I pray.
Amen
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