Into the Lions Den

Today, Pastor Holladay asked what is our lion's den? What in our life wants to eat us alive? It was a powerful question which lead to a flood of thoughts overwhelming me. There are so many lions in my den of life that it is hard to hear over the roar. First, I will count my blessings which are of course my family, my friends, that I have a house to live in and that I have a job to pay the bills. The list could go on and on but I feel if I shed some light on these lions that maybe I can tame them and learn what I need to do to get them out of my den. These are some hard topics for me to think about and I haven't expressed them often if even at all but here it goes.
The big lion that is gnawing away at me is that I know I am not in the job that I a supposed to be. People always say that they want to live a life that is meaningful but for me, this thought actually takes my breathe away. I know to the core of my being that I am supposed to be serving God in another fashion other than I am right now. I have this sense of crushing sadness at times that I am not serving Him right. I think that is why I feel like a ship without a rudder. I just need to see the light of the correct shore so I can move to those calmer waters. I have toyed with the idea of going to get y MBA or another higher degree in hopes that this would open a door for me. Realistically, I don't know that those are my best options. God has given me talents and visions but I just don't know how to harness those and use them the way He has intended. I have decided to join the storytelling ministry at Saddleback so maybe I can get some creative outlets going. I am excited to be joining this team but I don't feel like it is enough. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be excited to face the day. I can't tell you the last time that has happened. \I wake up with a sense of sadness knowing that I am just going through the motions. Please don't get me wrong, I enjoy seeing my friends and family each and every day and they are my light but I need that something extra. I need my mission in life.
Last July, I thought that moving companies would be a step in the right direction and that I could tolerate this job but in reality, it has made me realize that this is not my path. I am scared that I won't find which way I am supposed to go. My husband has been amazing with supporting me and all my crazy ideas but he can't tell me what is going to make me most happy. It is as if I need to do a reboot, a corporate reshuffle of my life. I know that I have my backbone with my family with their love and that is helping spur me on. I don't want to wake up when I am old and grey and realize that I missed the boat. Part of me already feels this way and it scares me.
I have found a job that really excites me at Church but I feel guilty for even applying as my current company took me in. I feel that I owe them a few years but once again, I am afraid of missing my calling. I have lived my life for so long trying to please people and not taking my dreams and trying to make them a reality. I wonder if that time has come and gone for me?
I have ideas of books I can right for kids that will help strengthen their faith or introduce them to God but I haven' the foggiest on how to start those. I had a crazy crazy idea the other day to look at seminary school to get a stronger foundation in my faith. There are so many ideas floating around that I am not sure what to grab onto and run with. I don't know how to decipher the ideas and determine if they are true ideas or just my mind running down mindless paths. Maybe I am looking for a good Christian mentor who will be my guide in this crazy world.
I know this post is a bit raw but I just need to get this off my chest. I am hoping that putting something in writing will give this roar in my lion's den a little less volume so I can focus.
Another lion is that I am always seeking approval from others. I have always felt inadequate or unworthy and it is something I deal with even today. I have never felt like I "fit in." When I get criticism or even constructive criticism, i feel as though I am being attacked and I need to fight back. It eats away at me so much that I loose sleep over it and try to over compensate and then realize that I have made things worse. This lion is going to take some time to tame.
Dear God,
I pray that You will help me to find my path and the peace that comes with knowing that I am fulfilling my life's mission. I need your strength and guidance. I know that life is full of tests and I feel that I am going through one  now. Though I am trying to find the way, I pray that you will be my rudder so this ship finds it's course. Please grant me the strength and the open heart so that I may be happy and live a Christian life. Thank you for listening to me every night as I ask for your help. Please use me for your will. I hope that my life will lead to inspiration for others.
In Your name I pray.
Amen

The Bible Week 2

The story of David and Goliath is one that I remember well from elementary school. I couldn't imagine the fear that must have been in David's heart when he faced this massive man knowing that he had to kill him or die himself. It was a scary story for a youngster but reason, it always gave me a sense of hope. When I was presented with an obstacle, I would remember David being so brave and hoped to draw some strength from that. What I didn't realize is that David eventually became king and fell from grace after murdering his friend and committing adultery. After seeing this, I realized that no matter how badly you fall, if you get back up, and seek forgiveness from the Lord with all your heart, that God will still love you.

I struggle with this idea at times. Though I haven't committed any horrible sins, there are some things in my past that I am not so proud of. I used to go over and over in my head how I shouldn't have done this or shouldn't have said that. I used to think that the hardships in my life were because I committed some horrible sin and God wanted to teach me a lesson. Looking at this way of thinking  is pretty naive and I am slightly embarrassed to admit to it. 

The deeper meaning of David's story is that anyone can be forgiven if they ask for it. Obviously a cursory, "oops, I'm sorry" isn't going to cut it but if you look deep inside and make a honest effort to change things, God will forgive.  

Looking at Sampson's story and how he flirted with disaster until it came back to bite him is also very scary. It took losing God's grace for him to realize the gift that he had been given. After his eyesight was gone, he was able to see clearly he love and the power of the Lord. Many people these days are alike in thinking these days and I will admit that I too have flirted with stepping off the path at times. I think, that God will forgive me if I do this or that  if I ask for forgiveness afterwards. Well if I don't put myself into that situation in the first place, I wouldn't have to ask for forgiveness. Why do people choose to act and not worry about the consequences? Is it because they know that all will be forgiven? After this week's episode, I have been taking a hard look at how I am thinking and moving forward. I want to be able to know that I walked with grace down God's path and not faltered. I am human so I know that I will make mistakes but I hope that I can live a pure life that will be worthy of God.

Dear God, 

Please forgive me for thinking that I can get away with things when You are able to see everything. Please grant me the ability to move down the right path with faith and honor for You. I want to be a good example for my daughter so she will see how to live a life for God. I pray that each day my faith grows more and more. Thank you for being perfect so we have something to model ourselves and have an example of what we need to do to enter God's kingdom for eternity. I also pray that I find ways to bring others to You. There are people in my life that have not accepted You into their lives and that saddens me so very much. Please help me find a way.

In Your name I pray,

Amen

The Bible Week One

I have been struggling for a week to try and put my reactions into words. The first episode of The Bible left me speechless. I have started this entry so many times, my backspace bar is going to revolt. When I read stories, I can actually see them in my mind's eye. Now that these stories in the Bible have been brought to life, they have taken on an entirely different context and opened me  up to a whole new understanding of God's word. 

I have always imagined Noah on his ark with the animals and the struggles they must have endured. He built this giant boat at the command of God even though everyone around him was taunting him. I try think of what I would have done had I seen Noah building this ark. I would like to think that I would have offered him something to cool  drink or try to pick his brain as to why he believed God was talking only to him. It pains me to think that there is a possibility that the majority would have swayed me and look at him they way everyone else had. I don't think any of us can have a realistic view of this situation as it so different than today. What can of trial of that magnitude could God present the modern person with? God promised he would never flood the earth but could there be something else? Look at the world around us. Are we pleasing God? We have tyrants killing thousands people, a nation threatening to demolish other nations with the use of nuclear weapons, governments trying to play god, where is the peace? Is this what God wanted from His people? What can we do to reverse this evil? My heart aches from reading the headlines about the suffering of so many. 

Abraham's story brought me to tears for so many reasons. He was ready to sacrifice his child that he longed for because God asked for his obedience. In his heart, Abraham knew that God had a purpose for this request and even with his heart torn apart, he was going to follow through. I remember this story from when I was a child. I tried to put myself in Isaac's place to imagine what I would have done if my father was asked by God to sacrifice me for the greater good. Again, I like to think I would have walked the higher road and understood but in reality, I would have been watching my back for quite awhile. Abraham had the true heart of a servant and even when God's request didn't make sense, he was trusting with all his being. I struggle with this because I don't think I could have made that ultimate sacrifice. Does God know this in my heat? Of course He does and I know that He would not ask such a great task of me. I pray that He does use me and I can prove my faith to Him and to others and be a testament to my faith. It is scary to give the approval for God to control my life and show the path because it may not be easy but if I follow, the promises that God has made makes my heart open to His will. 

Moses has  story that is pretty incredible. He trusted God's word that he had the ability to save his people from slavery. Seeing as though this message came from a talking burning bush, I think I would have believed it too. Moses had this amazing blind faith, he knew God was with him. People are reticent to give their lives to Christ because they can't see him. The world has turned so materialistic that it seems the power of God is taking the backseat for people. It is incredibly disheartening to see the youth of our nation not knowing who God is. Even when I was younger and my friends celebrated Christmas without knowing why, was so frustrating. I would ask them if they knew who Jesus was and why we celebrate his birth, a few of them asked me the story to which I eagerly obliged.

Because it took me so long to write this, I know that The Bible has had amazing ratings. There are people who are tuning in and hearing these stories for the first time. It is thrilling to see that some of the people are learning about Christ and will be living in His glory. I am starting to have hope that maybe, things can turn around in this world. 

Dear Lord, I pray that I will always have the strength to follow Your word. Though I am human and I will stumble, I hope that You grant me the ability to dust myself off and get back on the path. I pray that I will follow my heart as that is where you speak to me and live the mission that You have placed before me. I also hope that I will hear You above all the clutter that is in my mind. I am working to clear my mind and let go of what I can not change and be at peace. I know that there is something amazing in store for my life and I thank you for the love you have given me through my family and friends. I pray that I will walk away from temptation and say yes to what is true. My servant heart is open to You, please use me to make a difference.

In Your Name I pray, Amen.

Leading up to The Bible

There are several things my Nana always told me not to discuss in public. I’m sorry Nana, but I am feeling compelled to discuss one of the forbidden topics, religion.

As a member of Saddleback Church, we were able to catch a glimpse of the epic mini-series, The Bible from Mark Burnett and his wife Roma Downey. I truly believe this series is going to be life changing for some and a reaffirmation for others who have accepted Jesus into their lives.

I grew up hearing the stories and have been fascinated by these people with extraordinary faith. I couldn't imagine trusting someone so implicitly let alone, someone you couldn't see. I will admit that there are questions  I have in regards to the Bible but that is what makes it so alluring. Who are these people that we have read about? What made them so focused and so trusting.

For the next five weeks, I am going to blog about “The Bible” so I can track my journey to strengthen my faith. Maybe my questions and insights will help someone else in their journey.

In the meantime, God Bless and I look forward to taking this journey.